Almost Always In Perfect Balance

Guest Post By: Anonymous

My eyes are dull now, but I’m starting to feel the sparkle coming back, and someone else noticed that too. I pay more attention to my face, and I take care of my skin at night. I walk in the warm wind in the evenings after work, and I’m not defeated and exhausted. The exhaustion is gone. Sometimes I need 10 hours a night of sleep, sometimes 8 hours, or even 7 hours. At first I dreamed of clutter clutter clutter, but my last dream was entitled “I feel the energy of everything”.

This is a new life for me. My instincts are my friend, my teacher, we go for long walks together and they speak articulately and reflect reality and truth back to me, kindly. I tell myself “you will never have to go back there” when a slight terror crosses my mind that this new life might only be temporary. I want to swim on the weekends. I have time to just “be” but I have more structure too. I’m thinking about joining yoga or dance or a drum circle or a hiking club. Sunshine is so joyful! I can’t get enough and every moment I see it and feel it fills me with joy.

Joy does not feel too big for me now, it feels like happiness. I’m beginning to feel joy in organizing and cleaning, which I have a lot of to do because loss of my organizing ability was one of my first major symptoms. I went in to see my doctor to announce that I am PTSD free and I thanked him for insisting that I leave, I told him he should put that on his resume’.

Deep in my gut is where I felt the joy of the boundary I set with my lover, you do not tell me what I’m thinking and you do not act as if your time is precious than mine.

My child is an adult now, we made it to the future. I’m in love with life and in love with my new mission. I helped someone this afternoon. I decided to sue my perpetrator, I feel disgusted, I was the victim of a crime. I don’t know how I will do that and pay for college, but I’m not too worried about it.

Realizations are easier, my marriage, my life, which took unexpected turns I could never have imagined or prepared for. You can’t re-do your youth, but you can step forward one step at a time. He was drinking, I saw it, I got it, and I apologized to my child who said “stop apologizing” and I did.

I am quietly, slowly, peacefully, creating my new life now. Sometimes I feel like being alone, and sometimes I don’t, and I wonder if I will want to live alone in my house until I die in my 90′s, but I’m not too worried about it. I think I will be able to hold onto my house. I look at my lifetime financial outlook and feel a little scared sometimes, the hard times took a toll, but I know that I will have the energy now to create my income and opportunities when I am ready.

Healing and recovery are my reality now, and my mind sends me messages in powerful acceptance and thoughts and instincts. These powerful things are not overwhelming. My favorite song is “every little thing’s gonna be alright” by Bob Marley.

I am aware that I am developing proprioception in my body, and I have a theory that this sense of our body’s position in space is disrupted in dissociaton but it comes back. I don’t want others to see me healing when the pain of the loss and grief are part of my present moment, but I am also socializing gently more too.

I am almost always in perfect balance, and joyful with even energy. Little things make me happy, like my new orange iced-tea pitcher and my new yellow gardening gloves, I have time and energy to go out and buy things like that when I feel like it. I still feel bad when I’m around things I don’t like, like people who are hot-and-cold, but I learn from my instincts about what is really going on when I feel that. My pain in my bones is gone.

By: Anonymous But I could be your neighbor, your friend, your co-worker, your lover, your partner, your parent, your child, your patient, your soldier, your practitioner…

 
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