Cutting can spiral out of control

Cutting, or any type of self-harm can become an addiction, just like alcohol and drugs can become an addiction. Self-harm isn’t a phase either, it’s serious and shouldn’t be taken as a joke, nor should people think they’re copying others. 

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I’ve been self-harming since I was 15, which is nearly 3 years – I’ve kept back and not cut since November’12, yay! I feel so, so much better, but at the same time, I miss it. Sounds strange I know. But hopefully as I try to explain there’s more of an understanding of why. 

I would never want any one to self-harm themselves, it’s a vicious circle. Imagine this, you where on a boat, and the boat started to sink, there was a life saver (this being the self-harm) and the only way you felt safe, was to hold on to the life saver, you wouldn’t let go, and no matter who told you it will be okay, and that you’ll be able to pull through, you couldn’t believe them, and you couldn’t trust them – in more than many ways, this is how self-harm holds you, and keeps you with it. 

I started after supporting a friend who self-harmed, that not being the only reason, as I explain in previous blog posts. There’s some people who ‘experiment’ they do that first cut, or burn or any other means of self-harm, and never do it again. But then there’s people, like me and many others, that feels the comfort in doing it, and end up addicted to it.

I remember it starting off like a cat scratch, maybe once a month, and it increased to more, and more ‘cat scratches’, it became something that I’d go back to again and again, every time I was shouted at, every time I got told it was my fault, every time I was called fat, hit and told I wasn’t wanted. It was my only escape. Just to clarify, just because someone self harms it doesn’t mean they’re suicidal and trying to kill themselves, more ironically it’s keeping them alive. 

This is where it then begins to spiral out of control, you get so addicted to the release of all your mental and emotional problems and feelings, it’s like it’s the only thing that understands, it’s horrible when you look back and think of it, how you felt peace in such a dramatic way of releasing your feelings. How seeing the blood meant you could see you was still alive. To be honest, in the moment it’s like you’ve lost yourself, and until you self-harm, you can’t find yourself.

I started to see how out of control this was becoming, I ended up with more raised scars, from cuts that where like lacerations to the skin, where you could more than likely poke your finger in it. Obviously this would need stitches, but I left it, and if any one has ever injured themselves, where it needs medical attention, I can’t fuss enough about you getting yourself checked out, and stitched up. Raised scars are the most unattractive things ever.

From the calm cat scratch, to deep lacerations, I noticed I needed to address the problem now then wait for it to become worst. So why do I miss it? I guess deep down, I miss being able to express my mental and emotional feelings without talking, it was a way people knew I was struggling and hurting, now it’s more difficult to actually talk about it, and tell them. But I’m slowly making progress and I know I will continue to do so. 

I urge anyone who self-harms to seek support, when you go that month, or two without self-harming you feel SO much better, and like you don’t need to go back to harming yourself. Although there may become times when you relapse, I think you’d feel great to see the different emotions you feel when you go so long, a week for example is a GREAT start to recovering from this. 

I know you can get through this, I believe in you.

 
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