I’ve overdosed everyday for seven months

I think the title sums most of it up! A personal insight from myself. I have, overdosed everyday for seven months, and counting.

It’s not what you would call a “normal” type of overdose. It’s probably more of a “secret” one. How do I know it’s an overdose? My CPN told me a few weeks ago.

I overdose on laxatives. Or as more people would know it as “laxative abuse”. I never saw it as overdosing, I see it and still do as something I use to control my weight. August 2012 is when I started, after trying them in December 2011, then stopping in January 2012. That was part of my new years resolution. Even if I would walk everywhere and work out more to replace it.

In August, I started off with one or two, knowing they will help. Convincing myself that they help.I then increased to a few more, and again, a few more, and now I have to take 30 a day for them even to work, I have no doubt that I’ll increase again. Although I may not think they cause damage, or that I convince myself it’s just stomach cramps, it could be a whole lot more.

It’s difficult when you get asked “why do you take them?”, it’s more like “well I’ve convinced myself they’re helping me lose weight, and it controls it, that’s why”. I mean there’s no other way I can think to explain it, they’ve got to be working for the amount of weight I’ve lost. Yes, I have the binge/purge cycle, and it’s not exactly the best in the world. I’d love a normal eating pattern.

I read a book, Lynn Crilly wrote “Hope with eating disorders”, by no means do I think I have an eating disorder, I was intrigued with this book. I’ve honestly never been so stuck in a book in my life (apart from James and the Giant Peach!). Lynn’s book showed me that people with eating disorders differ from person to person, that you don’t have to be under 90lbs to have one, and that there’s more that one treatment avaliable.

I still continue to do my silly behaviour, but I guess that’s my own addiction, and thinking about stopping makes me so nervous, and scared, that I don’t want to, as much as I do deep down. I’ve never really spoke to a lot of people about it… I think there’s a few friends, my CPN and an online counsellor I used to have, although she never knew the extent to what I was doing it in.

Looking back at pictures earlier, I may not have been the slimmest, the prettiest or even the most likeable, but there was a smile, a smile which came from the heart and not a fake one to cover anything up. I miss that.

I’ve had to have so many blood tests for electrolytes being low, and my thyroid being funky. I have random heart beats that feels like it needs a push to make it work properly again. I’ve lacked more confidence and lock myself away for as long as possible. My skin is horrible, and although my hair is still in pretty good condition, it comes out in clumps now and then. My liver and stomach hurt so much I feel like they’re going to explode. I’d never wish this habit on anyone.

That’s just part of what I wanted to share… Judge by your own will.

You can buy Lynn’s book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1848508921/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1359927257&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

Follow her on Twitter: @LynnCrilly

‘Like’ her Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/HOPEwithEatingDisorders

 
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