I used to be Daddy’s little girl

I remember being ‘Daddy’s little girl’, we would go out and shop together, I’d help him with decisions, I’d go to work with him on weekends, and enjoy it. I had a necklace that said ‘Daddy’s Girl’, and wore it all the time. I’d give him hugs, and we’d sit and watch TV together. I miss those times. He loved me and cared about me until the alcohol was involved.

Daddy’s little girl was no more.

I was 9/10 when it first happened. It’s more or less what I explained in this blog post. He hated me, didn’t care, and I’m guessing he wanted rid of me. I tried to get away with suicide attempts, his violence was too much, I wanted to be free. He wouldn’t touch anyone else except me, and I could only find the reason that it was my fault, it couldn’t have been anyone else’s.

11th February 2012, I was sectioned by the police under the Mental Health Act. I really didn’t want to live with it any more, I’d put up for it for so long, and no one seemed to be able to help. Police ignored it, and Social Services ended up blaming me for provoking it.

I sometimes have flashbacks, over everything that happened, I wake up in tears or in a panic attack. It’s like I can’t control what’s happening. I know tomorrow will be difficult, with it being a year since I was sectioned. I don’t really now how I’ll act, if I’ll stay in bed all day, or if I’ll go and relax by the canal.

Violence is something that’s ruined my life. I flinch at stupid things, and freak out if someone shouts, it’s like I’m waiting for them to take their anger out on me again. I never thought I would physically get away, but I did. However, mentally I still feel like I’m in that situation. I close my eyes and I can see it so closely, the threats, the hitting, it’s horrible.

I’ve only really been able to tell 3 people what’s happened, a good friend of mine, and online counsellor, and my old CPN. I feel at shame when I try and explain it all to my CPN I have now. It’s like it feels irrelevant because it’s not happening any more.

But, you have the choice to remove yourself from a violent situation, or any situation at all. You can the choice to get the help you deserve and live the life you planned.

 
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