Paranoia: are you looking at me?

I can’t remember a time, before going out or being in a room full of people without thinking every bad thought possible.

“They’re going to hate me.” “They hate me.” “They think I’m ugly and fat.” “They think I’m a freak.” “They’re looking at me.” “They’re laughing at me.” “What if they think I’m mental?” “They don’t want to know me.” “They won’t want to be my friend.”

I sat in my room earlier today, when I got a phone call asking if I was going to join the residents meeting at 11:30am, I said maybe then sat thinking everything above… it’s horrible, it got to the point where I got undressed and went back into my onesie and just cried. It gets to the point where I’ll cancel everything planned, or not go out cos I’ve over thought about everything that much.

I hate over-thinking everything, but it’s like it comes naturally to me. It’s hard to think different when all these thoughts bombard me. I spoke to, Debbie, one of the workers, and told her I can’t bring myself to socialise, or walk into a room full of people without having that huge fear that they’re judging me and hate me.  It’s like this sort of paranoia is controlling my life.

I won’t go out unless I have a meeting, or if I NEED to. I spend most of my days hiding in my room, trying to avoid any social situations. Obviously, with the volunteering I do, it requires bonding with others, getting to know each other and working as a team. I found this, the first time I done it, extremely difficult. More so because I had to speak out in a group of people I had never met before. It got easier, and I felt a little more comfortable, I mean, they wouldn’t be volunteering if they hated everyone, and judged everyone, right? I still have those thoughts when I walk in to the room, but I try and focus on how everyone else is feeling instead of myself, it helps in some way until the finger is at you, and you’re like: ”I’m going to mess this speech up”, ”my words will be all muffled”, ”I’m going to look like a tomato!”, ”they’re all going to laugh.”

I guess with the paranoia of being judged, and the anxiety of being around people is like someone who has a massive phobia of spiders. I hate it. There’s not a day go by where I do question myself, ”Am I for real?”, ”Why am I so pathetic?” with doing this I’m more than likely knocking my confidence even further.

I found this site earlier: http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/ I’d suggest giving it a read, it’s pretty interesting!

“The way to overcome anxiety is through knowledge, not through a pill or some miracle cure you may read about somewhere. Fear is the main reason anxiety symptoms persist” Source - http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/

You’re not alone through anxiety, you can beat it.

 

 
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