Cutting Revisited: Finding the Desire to Feel

julia britz.jpg

The desire to stop cutting that walked me into my therapist’s office was gone. I no longer had the conviction needed to help me win the fight to stop cutting, so I just stopped caring.

After months of not cutting, I started again when I got deeply depressed a couple of months ago. After sliding into my old maladaptive habits, I felt hopeless that I could ever really change. What was the point? And that’s the thing—to stop cutting, you have to want to stop.

My last therapy session helped bring me back, and I want to share the change that took place.

I explained to my therapist how I was struggling to feel emotions. I was once such an empathic person, and now, even in the direct presence of someone’s intense pain, I felt nothing. Times when I was aware I should be feeling something, there was nothing. Completely numb, not even a hint of anything. Even cutting did not give me the same relief it once did.

I was not cutting all of the time, but it was becoming more frequent, and it was bothering me because, although I do not like feeling stressed or depressed, I missed feeling passion and zest.

My therapist said:

"If you numb yourself out to pain, you also numb yourself out to passion. It is no coincidence that since you have started cutting again and with more frequency that you are starting to feel numb. If you keep cutting, you can expect to feel less and less."

I cried because I found the desire I had lost. I wanted to feel. I think I was unable to keep it going before because my reasons for quitting were dependent on external factors. This time, I was quitting for me.

As much as I do not enjoy feeling certain things, I want to enjoy life and feel passion for it. I want to feel, and I want to stop self-harming.

This article was written by Julia Britz for her blog, My OCD Diary. It was republished on with permission.


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